Desire

You will learn someday, that desire moves the cosmos.  Power is not power.  Love is power.  The desire gives you the will to fight, to love, to heal, to create, do whatever you want to do. 

I've been doing both music and grappling a long time.  My scholastic educations did not seem to help me much.  But music and grappling, hobbies I've had since the 1990s, did.  I spent more time sharing judo with the world than my music.  I played music since 1995, but only started publishing records in 2017.  Don't want to be way late.

I wasted a lot of time.  Had I started recording albums sooner, and playing infront of people when I was 19, I would be a millionare musician by now.  But that didn't happen.  I saw Royce Gracie in the UFC and became obsessed with judo and jiu-jitsu.  I wanted to be the champion.

Now that I am 41, I can't really be a touring musician.  I'm too old and slow.  I can't do 2 hour live sets infront of many people.  At best, I can play at a church or synagogue and dream of things that might have been. 

But at least my education helped me, I attained zen, and my hobbies have become full time occupations.  I am still a musician and grappler.  But because I was immature and wanted to be the champion, I spent more time doing judo and less time doing music.

What I am trying to impart is, don't have distorted values.  Self defense is for children.  The reason you do karate, judo, or any other martial art is to empower you to do something in the world, not to be Cassius.  I should have done something else than master judo and matwork.  But it is too late to do something else. Change is bad.  Start in your youth, and keep doing it til its done.  So I must grapple again, even though I have kind of outgrown grappling, and not switch to something else. 

I want to live out my days in peace, living on a budget, training matwork, playing music at the religious center, and eating good food.  I am less ambitious and more fulfilled.  So I am doing better than most Americans, who want more money and power and women. 

Desire moves the cosmos.  Sex is a physical reaction, love is an emotion.  You can love a girlfriend, a wife, a car, a guitar, a song, a book, etc...  The emotion is the important part not the tangible reality.  Music is all emotional and intangible.  Judo is about the right thing at the right time.

So I will not lament the misspent past.  Just do what I can while I can still do it.  That's all.